Some Modest Proposals

Here in America, most of our tax debates center on "income." How do we define it? How do we count it? What do we get to exclude from it, deduct from it, or credit towards it. And finally, how much of it do we take, to make sure everyone pays their "fair" share. The end result is our tax code, a many-headed hydra that several wags have noted contains twice as many words as the Bible, but with none of the good news.

Of course, income isn't the only thing we tax. Uncle Sam and most states tax sales. They tax estates and inheritances. They tax medical devices. They tax booze and cigarettes to discourage consumption. (Of course, the real addicts are the governments who count on that revenue!) Politicians of both parties have even proposed taxing carbon emissions and financial transactions.

So, that got us to thinking . . . what else could clever politicians think of to tax? Who would be the winners under the new rules? And who would be the losers?

• Excuses. They say excuses are like . . . well, you know — every one's got one. Here's the thing. Nobody likes hearing excuses, but it's hard to make it through the day without making at least one or two. That makes them perfect for taxing! Big winners under an "excuse tax" include every annoying perfectionist you've ever known in your life, who skates by without ever paying the tax. Biglosers would include the quarterback who throws the game-losing interception, the actor who releases the latest Hollywood bomb, and all 535 members of the United States Congress!
• Showing Up Late. We all know how irritating it is to work hard to be ready on time, then sit around waiting for someone else to show up. So why not tax it instead of just grumbling? A "tardy tax" would raise millions, at least in theory. The hard part, of course, would be waiting for people to actually pay it. (Hmmmm, maybe not such a good idea after all.)
• Snooze Buttons. Pretty soon we'll reach a point when everything we own is wired to the internet — even our alarm clocks! That will make it easy to impose a snooze button tax. Hit the button for nine more blessed minutes of sleep, and the IRS automatically "dings" your iTunes account for a buck or two. But just watch those collections grow! Clearly, the Monday after the Super Bowl will be the most lucrative day in government history!
• Screaming Children. Whitney Houston sang "I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way." Kinda makes you wonder if she ever had to sit through a four-hour flight with a toddler screaming her head off about about a toy, a snack, or a loaded diaper. (Hint: it's not really "First Class" if there's someone else's baby throwing a fit across the aisle from you!) Look, we know our kids are always adorable little angels — but wouldn't it be great if we could make a little tax revenue from someone else's screaming brat?

What do you think? Let us know what you'd like to see taxed, and maybe we'll compile them for a future email.

In the meantime, of course, we're still stuck paying traditional income taxes, and still stuck wishing we could pay less. And the best way to do that is to make a plan. So stop making excuses, stop hitting that snooze button, and call us for your plan!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

Way back in 1963, the singer Andy Williams introduced one of the most popular Christmas songs of all time: "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year." Decades later, the office-supply store Staples re-purposed it to sell school supplies, and Miller recycled it once again to sell light beer. But for our friends at the IRS, the most wonderful time of the year starts right now. So here are some tax time quotes to get you in the spirit of the season:

"It’s tax time. I know this because I’m staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink."
Dave Barry

"Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. It’s rational and always works the same way."
Jerold Rochwald

"I don’t care anymore whether I pay more taxes or less taxes, as long as I don’t have to understand it."
Bob Thaves ("Frank & Ernest")

"If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep."
Will Rogers

"You don't pay taxes — they take taxes!"
Chris Rock

"Nothing makes a man and wife feel closer, these days, than a joint tax return."
Gil Stern

"U.S. Internal Revenue Service: an agency modeled after the revenue raising concepts of the 19th century economist, Jesse James."
Robert Brault

"It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally cash is required."
Anonymous

Sure, writers and columnists like Will Rogers and Dave Barry can make you laugh at the tax man. But can they actually help you pay less? No! And there's nothing funny about wasting money on tax you don't have to pay. So call us when you're ready for a plan, and you'll enjoy having the last laugh on the IRS!

Trick Play Backfires; Team Thrown for Loss

College football fans have been crying for a season-ending playoff tournament for years, to replace the invitational "bowl championship" series that usually prompted as many questions as it answered. Monday night they got their wish, as the third-string quarterback Cardale Jones and the Ohio State Buckeyes overcame four turnovers to stun the Oregon Ducks, 42-20, in the very first College Football Playoff Championship Game.

Somewhere lower in the college football hierarchy, the University of South Dakota Coyotes aren't anyone's idea of national champions. They didn't even play Division I ball until 2008, when they joined the Missouri Valley Football Conference. This year's squad eked out just two wins, against William Penn's Statesmen and Northern Arizona's Lumberjacks. But one group of players took an even tougher hit. And their opponents weren't even wearing pads or cleats! What happened? Well, they challenged the team at the IRS — and they got thrown for a big loss.

Alphonso "Rico" Valdez grew up in Tampa, Florida, and graduated from Chamberlain High School before heading to the prairie to play cornerback for the 'Yotes. Maybe he felt exploited, playing for scholarship money instead of cold hard cash. But he didn't have the chops to go pro. So he recruited his own team of 11 conspirators, picking up some of his USD teammates, a former student government president who had been impeached for misusing student funds, and some friends from back home. Together, the group collected random names, addresses, and Social Security numbers, then used that information to file false tax returns on behalf of the victims and request fraudulent refunds in the form of prepaid debit cards.

We're not sure if any of the conspirators majored in accounting or not, but either way, pre-law probably would have been a smarter choice. The scheme came to light on a warm April day in 2012, when the criminal mastermind Valdez traded his helmet for sunglasses and a stocking cap, then made trip after trip to an ATM to convert those cards into cash. A concerned citizen noticed his unsportsmanlike conduct and called local police, who used surveillance video to pull the first string that eventually unwound the entire scheme.

The team scored $421,000 over the course of their "season" before officials threw a flag. Prosecutors don't know what happened to the money — they say there were no Mercedes-Benzes, no Louis Vuitton, and no Tiffany jewelry. USD athletic director Dave Herbster said "I'm not even sure that any of them had a car while they were here, and if they did, it probably wasn't a nice one."

At least they had the good sense to plead guilty to various charges of conspiracy and identity theft, and save real taxpayers the cost of a trial. They're even saying they're sorry! Valdez wants to become a high school football coach and show children they can further their education despite their mistakes. His girlfriend, Melissa Dinataly, said "the world is corrupt enough as it is. I shouldn't have done this." Of course, these aren't five-yard penalties — the whole team is headed to jail, for terms ranging from two to five years. They say prison life is structured — more than some people care for! So we'll see if the same discipline that helped Valdez excel on the field helps him excel in the yard.

Football fans are all familiar with the maxim that "offense sells tickets; defense wins championships." When it comes to your finances, the same rule holds true, and smart tax planning is the key to your financial defense. So call us to get the game plan you need to pay less tax — and remember, we're here for your teammates, too!

A Royal Mess!

Most of us don't get to choose our parents. And while we're usually grateful for the ones we have, we've also dreamed of lives that might have been. What little girl hasn't dreamed of growing up a princess, living in a palace, riding in a horse-drawn carriage, wearing a tiara? And don't forget marrying a handsome prince!

Infanta Cristina de Borbon, Duchess of Palma de Mallorca, is the brother of Spain's King Felipe VI and sixth in line to the Monarquía Hispánica. The Infanta grew up in the Royal Palace of Madrid, where she probably logged a ride or two in a carriage. And yes, she wore her mother's diamond-crusted floral tiara at her wedding. But she chose a thoroughly modern career, graduating from college, earning a master's degree in international relations at New York University, and working for UNESCO in Paris. Today she's a working mom of four children. She's also — if you believe Spanish judge Jose Castro — a tax cheat, named in a corruption scandal that's rocking Spanish society.

Cristina's husband, Iñaki Urdangarin, isn't a prince. But he's a former pro handball player and Olympian. (That's close, right?) Urdangarin, who was named Duke of Mallorca upon his marriage, is accused of embezzling €6 million ($7.4 million) in public funds through the Instituto Nóos, a charitable foundation he ran. Prosecutors say that he organized a series of sporting events for the regional governments of the Balearic Islands and Valencia — and hugely overcharged them.

Cristina hasn't been accused of participating directly in the fraud. However, she and her husband co-owned a company called Aizoon that received €1 million from the sports foundation, money that she and her husband used for personal expenses like furniture for their house in Barcelona, salsa lessons, and pricey hotel stays. Naturally, there were no taxes paid on those funds. The judge says "There are many indications that Cristina profited from illegal funds on her own behalf, and also helped her husband to do so, through silent cooperation and a 50% stake in his business." The judge also says that letting Cristina off the hook "would leave the question open and discredit the notion that justice is equal for all."

So now Cristina faces charges of failing to pay her taxes — quite a comedown for a member of a royal family that used to collect them rather than pay them! If she's convicted, she could spend the next few years in considerably "common" quarters — no palace, no carriage, and certainly no tiaras. (Of course, that's less punishment than a misbehaving royal might have gotten a few hundred years ago. Britain's Henry VIII never bothered imprisoning his ex-wives, he just beheaded them!)

Spain's monarchy has already suffered a series of PR hits after Cristina's father, King Juan Carlos, took a lavish trip to hunt elephants in Botswana at a time when Spanish unemployment was topping 25%. So what do they think of all this? Well, back in 2011, when the scandal first broke, they gave the Duke the royal boot from official events. In 2013, they cut Cristina off from the household budget and excised the Duke's biography from their official website. Most recently, after learning of the indictment, they declared their "complete respect for the independence" of Spain's judiciary. You'd like to believe the royals are too classy to throw someone under something as plebian as a bus, per se — but that sure sounds like what's happening!

Stories about princesses always ends with a moral, and this one is pretty simple. Being a princess isn't all it's cracked up to be, and there isn't always a happy ending! So if you want to pay less tax, do it right and call us for a plan. And call your mother! Yes, the holidays are over, but she'd still love to hear from you!