Bet They Didn't Think About This!

Last week, a New York judge issued writs of habeas corpus on behalf of two chimpanzees named Hercules and Leo, currently living in a research lab at the State University of New York in Stony Brook. The next day, she walked back the scope of her ruling, emphasizing she was merely directing the university to appear in court. Still, the decision gives the chimps a day in court and possibly clears the way for them to move from the lab to a sanctuary in Florida.

Animal rights activists were thrilled. Natalie Prosin, Executive Director of the Nonhuman Rights Project, told Science magazine, "This is a big step forward . . . . We got our foot in the door. And no matter what happens, that door can never be completely shut again." Harvard Law School professor Laurence Tribe commented that habeas corpus should be available for sentient beings other than humans. (Even cereal spokesman Tony the Tiger expressed his support for Leo and Hercules, saying "They're grrrrreat!")

Naturally, that got us to thinking. What would our friends at the IRS think about the ruling? If animals can be "legal persons," why can't they be taxpayers? And what will those taxes look like?

• Everyone knows that circus elephants work for peanuts. So how many peanuts will the IRS get? Can elephants pay in shells? If elephants really never forget, do they still have to keep paper receipts?
• Squirrels spend long hours every fall gathering acorns for winter. Should they pay their taxes when they bury the acorns, like with a Roth IRA? Or should they pay when they dig them back up for food, like with a 401k? What if an acorn gets buried a little deep and grows into a mighty oak? Can the squirrels claim valuable timber depletion allowances? What about casualty losses from lightning strikes?
• Beavers across the northern states are busy as beavers building dams. What sort of property taxes should they pay on their homes? How should they calculate their depreciable basis in logs, leaves, and twigs? (Don't even get us started on tax strategies for bird nests!)
• Many animal species, including prairie voles, French angelfish, and certain ducks, mate for life. (If you're divorced, and bitter about it, maybe you should have married a duck.) Does that mean ducks can file jointly? Will they get valuable tax advantages, like the unlimited marital deduction for estate taxes, that single animals and heads of households have to do without?
• Have you ever treated your dog to a biscuit for fetching the paper? Good dog! But watch out! Strict withholding requirements may make tax time ruff. If you miss a deadline, you can count on more than just a swat with a rolled up newspaper! Dogs who work for their supper owe hefty employment taxes, too. And how on earth do you e-file 15.3% of a Milk Bone?

Lots of questions, right? Well here's one thing we can know for sure. When animals start paying taxes, they'll want to pay less. And they can do it the same way you do — with a plan. April 15 may have come and gone, but there's never a bad time to pay less. So call us, and let us help you keep more acorns!

Guaranteed Loser

You've bought a lottery ticket or two in your time, right? The Powerball jackpot hits a kajillion dollars, and you realize you really can't win if you don't play. So you buy a ticket or two just to nurse that fantasy of champagne wishes and caviar dreams. Forget the reality that most lottery players never win, and even the ones who do make headlines usually seem to go bankrupt faster than a professional footballer who tears his ACL two games into his rookie season.

Most people who buy lottery tickets really do want to win. In fact, a 2006 study revealed that 21% of Americans believe playing the lottery was their best bet for financing retirement! (Really? That's not the same thing as counting on the lottery to retire, but it still doesn't say much about our financial planning smarts.) But would you believe there's a small group of Americans who pay top dollar for losing tickets? Why on earth would anyone ever do that? The answer, not surprisingly, lies in that financial cancer that we lovingly refer to as the Internal Revenue Code.

Start with the premise that gambling winnings are taxable income. That makes perfect sense, of course; the IRS doesn't really care how you make your living as long as they get their share. (Even illegal income is taxable — remember who finally nailed Al Capone?) And that stinks. Sure, winning a hundred million sounds like a lot, but you're lucky to be left with half of that after you take care of your Uncle Sam and all the rest of those greedy relatives who show up with their hands out as soon as they hear you've won.

The good news is, you can deduct your gambling losses from gambling winnings before the IRS takes their cut. You don't even have to net out your totals by contest — you can deduct casino losses against lottery wins, and vice versa. But deducting gambling losses creates its own problem. The lottery commission, casinos, and racetracks where you do your best "work" are happy to send the IRS a Form W2-G reporting your wins. So how do you show an auditor how much you lost?

That's where the losing lottery tickets come in. Just hop onto a website like Craigslist or Ebay, and look for folks with losing tickets to buy or rent! The sellers might try to disguise them as "memorabilia." But just between us, we know what they're really for. The Daily Beast even found one bold seller getting rid of $1,100 in losing tickets, for the bargain price of $500, "so ya don't look like a xxxxx :) come tax time"!

Wanna know what sort of financial genius cooked up such a great scheme? He was an accountant named Henry Daneault, and he used to work for the IRS! In 1985, his client Phillip Cappella won $2.7 million, paid out over 20 years, in the Massachusetts Megabucks. When tax time rolled around, Daneault and his client made up $65,000 in gambling losses to erase $20,000 in tax. Then his old employer the IRS came sniffing around. Uh oh, what now? He paid $500 to rent $200,000 worth of losing tickets for a month. It might have been a great idea if it had worked. Sadly, it did not, and Daneault and his client both wound up pleading guilty to fraud and serving time in jail.

So now you know how to be a guaranteed loser. Want to know how to guarantee a win? Call us for a plan to pay less tax, the right way. Our strategies are all court-tested and IRS-approved. You won't have to win the lottery — you'll just feel like you did!

Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

Every year, the IRS Criminal Investigations unit (IRS-CI) releases a surprisingly entertaining report detailing their efforts to protect the Treasury from scammers, fraudsters, and cheats. This year's edition reveals that, due to budget cuts, activity is actually down. In 2014, IRS special agents initiated 4,297 criminal investigations (down 19.1% from 5,314 in 2013) and recommended 3,478 prosecutions (down 20.4% from 4,364 in 2013). There were 3,272 indictments and 3,110 convictions, which shows the IRS won't take you to criminal court unless they're pretty sure they can really nail you to the wall. And 80% of those who were convicted won themselves an all-expense paid trip to a federal penitentiary.

IRS-CI targets all sorts of misbehavior and shenanigans: Swiss banks, corrupt politicians, identity thieves, and crooked tax preparers. They also cooperate with other federal agencies, helping the Drug Enforcement Administration catch drug smugglers and the Department of Homeland Security block funding for terrorists. But some of the most entertaining stories fall under the "general tax fraud" category. Here are four to brighten your April 15:

• Smoke 'em if you got 'em: Billy Gene Jefferson claimed over $12 million in federal and state historic tax credits for rehabilitating a former Philip Morris tobacco factory and ten other buildings, then sold the credits to investors. Turns out he lied about how much he paid for the renovations. After Jefferson 'fessed up to his fraud, the court released him on bond to sell properties to pay restitution. But he used his freedom to bury up to $2.5 million in cash in a PVC pipe behind his house, blow $2.15 million on trips to Vegas, and steal his brother's identity to book a one-way charter flight out of the country! For his efforts, Jefferson will spend the next 20 years in an unrenovated facility where residents use cigarettes as currency.
• God hears all prayers? Archie Larue Evans was pastor of the Tilly Swamp Baptist Church and owned a gold and silver business in Florence, South Carolina. Evans sold his parishioners "investment contracts" paying higher interest than the piddly amounts they were earning at the local banks. The banks may not have been paying much interest — but they also weren't running Ponzi schemes. Now, while we don't know if the pastor confessed his sins to God, we know he didn't report anything to the IRS. Now Evans will get to spend the next seven years ministering behind bars.
• Death and taxes: They say that nothing in life is certain except death and taxes. A group of six defendants in St. Louis, led by a disbarred attorney, found a way to roll both of those burdens into a single con. For 15 years, the group sold prepaid funeral contracts to 97,000 customers — promising to keep their money in a secure trust or insurance policy as required by state law. Instead, they "made use of funds paid by customers in ways that were inconsistent both with its prior and continuing representations and with the applicable state laws and regulations." (That's what prosecutors call it when you use your customers' money to pay for a $16 million mansion in Nantucket, a charter yacht, and family vacations.) And because you'll ask: no, they didn't pay tax on the loot. The conspirators will spend up to 115 months behind bars, and owe their victims a cool $435 million. (Let's see, now . . . that's 11 cents/hour stamping license plates times how many hours?)
• Practicing "law" without a license: Diane Niehaus managed a bank in Centerville, Ohio, where her elderly customers entrusted their money. Despite that trust, she forged all sorts of documents, including fictitious gift letters and fraudulent powers of attorney, to steal over a million dollars from their accounts. She used the money to buy a $460,000 house and a different car for every day of the week. And of course, she forgot to tell the IRS about her new side venture. Oops! Now she's spending five years at a prison camp in West Virginia, where she'll get to discover if orange is really the new black.

Look, we know paying tax bites. But you don't have to cheat to bite back. You just need a plan. There's no shortage of court-tested, IRS-approved strategies for saving. So if you haven't asked us about our planning service, what are you waiting for? 

The Tax Man Runneth

The 2016 presidential election is 20 months away. Sadly, for those of us who don't watch C-SPAN for fun, that basically means it's right around the corner. (Keep a sharp eye out for negative campaign ads, coming soon to a TV near you!) Candidates are already lining up donors and hustling voters in early primary states like Iowa and New Hampshire. If it seems like some of them have been running since the end of the lastelection, it's probably because they have.

Americans like promoting military heroes to the White House. George Washington won the Revolutionary War and became the "father of his country" before assuming the Presidency. Ulysses S. Grant won the Civil War, and did it with a cocktail permanently occupying a space in his hand, too. Dwight D. Eisenhower defeated the Nazis. (Of course, generals who aim to become Commander-in-Chief usually do need to win a war first, as Alexander Haig found out the hard way in 1988.)

Now there's a candidate who's ready to wage war on an enemy we can all unite against — America's crazy and convoluted tax system. On March 5, Mark Everson announced he was throwing his green eyeshade into the ring and running for the Republican nomination. Not familiar with the name? Well, from 2003 to 2007, Everson served as 46th Commissioner of Internal Revenue. Oh yeah . . . that Mark Everson!

Everson, 60, graduated from Yale University before launching a career that has taken him from business to government and back to business again. In 2003, George W. Bush nominated him for the IRS position, which he held for four years. He left to become President and CEO of the American Red Cross, and now he's vice-chairman for a tax consulting company.

Why is Everson running? He says he wants to make federal tax laws more consistent and less complex. (Where have we heard that before?) He would replace that tax for lower-income earners with a value-added tax. "He also says he wants to restructure entitlement programs, including Social Security; set a military draft and system of national service; and break up banks that are poorly managed," the Associated Press reports.

And what does America's former top tax collector think of his chances? He candidly admits he has less name recognition than the senators and governors eyeing a race. But he appears entirely serious about his run and plans to pour $250,000 of his own money into the race. "They're raising serious money, but we're going to raise serious issues," he says. "I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't believe I've got a chance. I think that who becomes president is not up to Wall Street and the fat cats across the country. It's up to the voters."

Everson does have one stumble on his resume. In 2007, after six months helming the Red Cross, the board demanded his resignation after he confessed to an affair with a staffer. Everson divorced his wife and, while he hasn't married his new love, the two are raising their six-year-old son together. "I've made mistakes, and I don't think that that precludes one from going forward and trying to contribute," he says. We'll just have to see how closely the voters audit his behavior.

Time will tell whether Everson knows how to translate his IRS experience into a shot at the most powerful job in the world. But here's one thing he knows for sure — if you want to pay less, you need a plan. So call us when you're ready for your plan. We're sure you'll enjoy your savings, whether you're a Democrat, a Republican, or anything in between!